I don’t have an earth shattering Cancer diagnosis or otherwise upsetting circumstance inspiring my desire to compile this list. Rather it is a way to focus on the experiences that I wish to have in whatever amount of time I have left on this earth. It is not even meant to be a plan, or a list, though it undoubtedly comes across in that way, so much as a focus on what and who is important to me at this very real crossroads in my life. I am 29, turning 30 this year, and while I have no illusions that life is going to abruptly change, I am coming to a point where my work life, family life, and my long awaited (and finally achieved!) confidence in my parenting abilities is certainly about to be challenged.

It may not be as exciting as some might expect. But it is real. And that is all that really matters.

1. I want to travel.

Sure I should have done this when I was younger, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the money, the time, or honestly, the desire. The world was about me. And I’m pretty great so that didn’t leave me wanting for too much. I didn’t have time for eye opening and awe inspiring experiences. And I didn’t know at the time what I was missing. Now I do. And I have some lost time to make up for. Admittedly, it’ll be harder now that I have kids. But it will also be more special too. Here are the places I definitely want to visit:
• Hawaii
• Europe
• LasVegas/ Grand Canyon
• Alaska
• New York City
• All other 50 states

2. I want to go zip lining, parasailing, and I want to ride in a helicopter.

These ones are easy. They just sound fun as hell.

3. I want to ice skate in Central Park.

I love ice skating. And ice skating outside in the freezing cold actually does sound fun to me believe it or not. (I have some pretty awesome winter weather gear…) And though I am excited that MacArthur mall has taken up the challenge, it still doesn’t feel quite “special” enough for some reason. This is likely rooted in my desperate desire to ice skate (and roller skate) more often, particularly because no one that I know is really up for ice skating (or roller skating) as an adult pass time.
And this may be one of the most realistic goals on my list because my childhood best friend (looking at you Charlie…) was a seriously mean ice skater in his day and coincidentally happens to live in New York. So it seems the chances are pretty good for this one.

4. I want to go on a cruise.

Okay, okay, I’m not really sure about this one. The whole “being so far away that I can’t see land even though I actually am one of the best swimmers that I know” thing will always bother me. I haven’t thought about my death that much, but I’ll tell you what, drowning is at THE BOTTOM of the list of ways I see myself going. Maybe it’s the being a good swimmer thing…?? (THAT sure would be embarrassing…) BUT!! I AM SURE that I want to take Brian on a cruise. It’s one of the few things I KNOW that he absolutely wants to do in his life, and I don’t see him planning or saving for it on his own, so I’m really hoping I can do this one… for him… <3

5. I want to meet my dad’s family in Texas, particularly his sister, Charlotte.

It’s not like I have some hole from not having met them. It’s more the fact that they are special to my dad and my dad is special to me. I finally got to meet my mother’s long lost brother a few years ago. It didn’t go the way I expected, but was cool nonetheless. Questions answered and whatnot. This just feels like an arbitrary missing link for me. And I’ll admit, I’m a little bitter that my dad took my sister to meet them about 2 weeks after I gave birth to my first child. And they had a blast. Oh, well. There’s still time.

6. I want to own a Chevy Camero.

Always have, since I was 11 years old and in sixth grade and my P.E. teacher drove the most awesome forest green Camero. She was just soooooo cool. At the time, I was sure I would just park it outside my house because it looked cool and I was terrified to drive and certain I always would be. But I’m pretty sure I could handle it now.

7. I want to create a business and work for myself.

Some might say I have a problem with authority. I would rather describe it as a desire for honesty, respect, and to be treated as the competent adult that I am. Further, I don’t believe in doing things because “that’s the way they’ve always been done” nor do I take to kindly to the “because I said so” excuse. I want respect. I want to do meaningful work. And I want to be able to say fuck you on those very rare occasions where it is actually warranted. I have yet to experience any of these goals consistently in my current line of work.

8. I want to renovate my current home.

I bought my current home- 5 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage, and huge driveway and massive yard- with high hopes of what it could be. That reality was ripped out from under me faster than any rug could have been. It quickly became a source of very real stress in my life, and marriage for that matter, and I grew to hate this house. Thankfully, it seems after draining all the money and credit I had available to simply make this home LIVABLE, we are finally recovering from the (mostly my) optimistic naivety. And though I will likely look back on the decision to purchase this home as one of the best of my life, I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t always think that was how my story would go. All I really want after clearing this unexpected hurdle is to construct a master suite with bath and walk in closet, renovate my 1950’s era kitchen (in structure anyway, not design), take down a wall (or two if Brian has his way…) and maybe, possibly, install an in-ground pool.

9. I want to buy a gun and learn to use it.

Despite this, I do not buy that the second amendment affords me this right. I just think it would be awesome and I want to do it. And that really is good enough.

10. I want to take my children to visit Disney World, Sea World, and Universal Studios.

These trips are some of the most awesome experiences of my childhood. It was crazy, amazing, unbelievable fun. I actually enjoyed the company of my parents (at an age when I usually did not…) and the pictures that I have of these trips are priceless. I want nothing more than to do this for my kids as well. In fact, if I don’t, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

***11. I want to see my children grow up, get married, and hopefully have their own children. ***

This one is very clearly a BONUS. If it happens, it happens. I want my children to live the life they want to live. But I know that these two things have made me happier than I ever thought they would. So I hope they choose this path too and I hope I live long enough to see it…. <3

In reflecting on my childhood and education i am constantly drawn to the arbitrary measurements by which I grew up judging myself and others by, particularly now that I am an adult and those labels have lost their literal meanings. I am resentful of the life lessons i missed and the life skills that were neglected in an effort to spend my time- formative time that i will never get back- training my brain to operate in a way thats antithetical to the way my brain actually functions.

In other words- my public education has trained me to take a test- to memorize information and regurgitate it. Not to think about it, not to question it. I have been taught- "it is what it is" and if you know anything about ME, you know I hate this.

I thought about a career in education once. The impact i could have would be tremendous, I thought. And i love meeting new people, figuring out how to get through to them. But that was before I understood the system.

When it comes to critical thinking and problem solving my generation was disadvantaged. We were given arbitrary curriculums and taught that success resulted from mastering these concepts. So master we did, but what did we LEARN??? Conformity, authoritarianism, obedience... The list goes on.

So I played by the rules i was given only to find out the world doesn't actually operate according to these rules, but rather, on reality. And reality changes daily; Which was an idea that was in contrast to the rule book i was given.

And this was a HARD lesson to learn. Anyone who has stood there thinking "But I did everything i was supposed to do" knows what I mean.

Through my bachelor degree studies i finally discovered that versatility is key, change is necessary and authority is arbitrary. And in this process, I found myself.

Once these negative undertones were removed from my life i was free to embrace a life that is meaningful to me. Most importantly, I am constructing my own rules and reality based on my own values and goals.

This line of thinking has empowered me not to have control over my life, but instead to have faith in my abilities to navigate it.

And it is through this process that I believe I found my own personal happiness.

After all, how happy can you be when you are constantly judging yourself by others standards???