Oh, Zekie.

I don't really know where to begin except to say that you are such a sweet boy. You are also a grumpy thing. But you are just such a SWEET boy. And I know people say that there is some special bond between a mother and a son and all that, but I really think it's more than that. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to love you. And I just really, really, really do. So much more than I ever expected to or that I could put into words even. Because I really thought i'd have no idea what to do with a boy. 

And loving you is not easy. And yet it kind of is, all at the same time. You whine and complain and cry and grump, as we like to say, and you are so very loud, more so than is common for your age. But that's part of the reason I love you, believe it or not. Because you get all those wonderful qualities from me 💜. What can I say, we've been blessed (though some would say cursed) with the ability to know what we want and when we want it, at least most of the time. The problem with that though is no one gets what they want all the time. But that's okay because I really do get you. Because I want to act that way too sometimes. So I love you, even though sometimes it is hard to.

By no means do I mean that you are unlovable. What I mean is that compared to Lorelei- and I know I shouldn't compare, but hear me out cause there is a point here- you are rough around the edges. You are not a people pleaser. You are a rule breaker. You do not care to simply make others happy if you are not happy. And you need fairly simple, yet SPECIFIC things, to make you happy. You are so content in your individuality that you can show your true colors to the world. You are your mothers son, child. 

Now do not get me wrong, Lorelei is equally amazing, if different. She is a people pleaser. A rule follower. A much more 'go with the flow' so as not to make waves kinda girl. But these types of people end up sacrificing things they want and need for the greater good and that is something I will always worry about in regards to her. Some think this is the "right" way to go about things. I just think it is a different way. And the difference here is, Zekie, it is not OUR way. 

But our way, for sure, is the harder road to travel. You will meet people your whole life who will attempt to persuade and bully you into conformity and obedience. Don't let them. Because no matter what the world tells you that you should be, you already are this amazingly unique personality. 

You are loud and messy for no good reason except that it's fun. You see things you want and you go get them without asking first because you know how to and think its worth the risk. (It's only toys and food now... but just wait...) You love to snuggle even though you will never admit it and always answer "no" the first time I ask after I see your "I want to snuggle" look. I love the way you try to, even at 2, put your tiny arm around me when you sit next to me foreshadowing the man you will one day become. I love that you have a hilariously unhealthy obsession with pop tarts. I love how you pretend to be Spider-Man and The Hulk and run around the house saving me from imaginary bad guys. And I love that you try your hardest every night to manipulate me into staying in your room longer, even though I learned my lesson with Lorelei and never have unless you were sick. But you never, ever give up and I admire that stubbornness and determination. I love that when you are grumping I can always eventually get you to tell me, and sometimes only me, why. I love how we dance in the kitchen to 311 when I make dinner almost every night.... I could go on and on forever...

But finally, I love that I can just see in your eyes the way you love ME. I don't know exactly what I've done to convince you I am worth it, but I will do everything I can to never, ever stop. 

Because while Lorelei has my pride and admiration because she is so many things I could never be, you son, have my understanding and heart. 💕💙💙💙💕

You'd think I'd learn.

It's not as if I haven't been down this exact road before

Circumstances were different then, but not horribly

But that didn't stop me

Well aware of the consequences, I kept putting one foot in front of the other.

And you know what?

It hurt even more this time.

But it was exponentially more fun too.

There you go, I guess.

Thirty, for me, was a perception break down. I have always been a decisive one; living a black and white life in a world drowning in gray. I was enlightened in a way others weren't, self assured and confident are words that have always been used to describe me. An odd feeling, so I hear.

But that's just been me. In the way that you feel awkward to stand in front of a room giving a speech, I feel awkward in an empty room, or when I'm ignored. My ability to entertain- to communicate- has been my second nature. Something which requires minimal effort, even. But the problem was I grew up expecting this from other people. It's rare to feel entertained or impressed when you are the center of the room. All eyes are on you, demanding attention and requiring approval. There's hardly time to break in.

But then someone does.

And it fundamentally changed the world as i knew it. It changed my desire for attention and replaced it with the kind of meaning and connection that I had only begun to understand.

Years before, after starting a family and finishing my bachelors program, I became acutely aware of the scope of naivety that had shaded my world view and life goals. My philosophy on life was so radically challenged that I had no choice but to re evaluate my life's course.

And I did and I found it wanting- as most people do. But not in a negative, I made the wrong decisions, kind of way. More of a feeling that I made decisions before I was ready type thing. But, clearly I didn't feel that way at the time. Hindsight being 20/20 and all.

Thankfully they weren't bad decisions. But did I pay a price for my decisiveness? A predicament I never thought I'd ponder... Was I simply impatient?

It's been something I haven't wanted to talk about because as hard of a time as I've had with it, it's pointless contemplation at best. I'm not an "it is what it is" kind of person- simply because there no point in debating useless information. I'm not the emotional type, longing for THE answer that will clarify everything. I'm more of the "there is no right answer" type. I just don't torture myself. There's no point to it.

But someone walked into my life and fucked my perception of everything I thought I knew of myself. And I don't know what to make of that. I wasted a lot of mental energy and writing trying to figure it out. And to no avail.

All I've come up with is that these individuals are special. Kindred spirits meant to enlighten you to your self deception. And though uncomfortable, the cognitive dissonance is something that I can appreciate. From chaos, comes clarity and all that.

But there's so much more i'd like to know. So much more I want to experience and share with them. There's just not a safe platform through which to explore it.

Such is life, I suppose.

I read that a heart divided is certain to fail

But a heart ignorant to the world around it is simply naive.

All hearts are divided

And love is complicated

It's a process after all.

You don't know what it takes

until you're there and you fail

and only then do you realize because you have no other choice

It mattered

That thing you let slide

Whatever it was,

It was as arbitrary as 1:42 on a Thursday afternoon

And you didn't think twice

Because it didn't matter to you

Even if it mattered, it didn't MATTER

Not at the time, anyway

So how can you swallow it and move forward?

Won't it creep back? The regret?

And if it does what does that mean?

That it's you doubting yourself or that it's just that important?

What is regret anyway?

But wasted energy and self loathing

It certainly doesn't function to deter you. It merely punishes you for doing what you wanted to any way.

Looking back in retrospect is wasteful unless you're learning from it

And, really, who does that voluntarily?

The people who have to in order to get by, that's who.

We don't exercise introspection by choice

Only when it's the path of least resistance

The day to day should be what we live for.

It's the only tangible thing that gives you any control.

So don't fill it up with obligatory nonsense

If you can do it later it, put it off.

It's an uncomfortable truth, mortality.

But it's comforting to the psyche that if you can leave it for tomorrow, maybe you won't have to deal with it at all.

Your heart will always be divided

Don't kid yourself that it won't.

Admitting it is the first step to enjoying it.

Expectation is the source of heartache, after all.

And naive expectation is the absolute worst. Because when you don't even know you, you can be sure that no one else really does either.

There is something to be said for the people in your life who are good to you for no reason. They are not obligated or otherwise responsible. And they get nothing tangible out of your relationship.

In my case, I was particularly lucky to have two people accept me in such an awkward and non traditional fashion so as to seem absurd looking back on it.

My mother was married once before my father, to my brothers dad, Scott. And as such, my brothers paternal grandparents, my mama and papa, were always a constant in my life from day one. Which is weird, given that my mother did not have the most amicable break up with her first husband and further, that Scott and I have no relationship whatsoever, and we never even have.

Even given this, my mama and papa always served somewhat of a parental role in my moms adult life. Her own parents were horribly unprepared for the responsibility of having children. So as role models go, they left a lot to be desired. My mom felt the acceptance and love she didn't feel from her own parents from the Tuttle family. And even though her marriage to their son didn't work out as hoped, she always felt loved and welcomed in the Tuttle home and as such, kept going back. Long after the divorce, and after her own, and Scott's, remarriage even.

I never even realized until I was about 11 or 12 that the relationship I had with my brothers grandparents was not technically normal. Because in my head they were also MY grandparents too. His cousins treated me like their own cousins. His aunts treated me like nieces. And I just thought i was lucky that I had three families while everyone else had two. Obviously the idea was always there. I knew they were Jason's dad's parents. And I had my very own grandmother (my dad's mom) whom I loved horribly, and a grandfather (my moms dad) who, even with his faults, was always good to ME.

But the profound kindness and acceptance that was being practiced to the ultimate end- the function of our family- my brothers family- was beyond me .

My brothers grandparents had no obligation or responsibility to welcome another family- that being my father and his children- into their own. But they chose to.

And that is just amazing to me...

How lucky was I to be blessed with grandparents who weren't even my own grandparents but who loved me as if they were?!

All I know is that Sinclair and Carolyn Tuttle, you are two of the most amazing people I have ever had the blessing to know. And I am eternally grateful that you welcomed me into your family.

I love you 💕

I used to be a big believer in the idea that by being honest about what you want and why it is that you want it you could manipulate your behavior in such a way so as to create a desired outcome. It undoubtedly took effort and likely discomfort, but the idea that I played a significant role in the path that my life was taking was one that I had full confidence in. Logically, it made sense. By examining a situation from the appropriate angles, it should be clear which path to take to ensure things went the way you hoped. And when you settled on this "right path"... It would make you happy. Because it was the RIGHT WAY after all... Right?? 

I completely ignored or maybe misunderstood the paradoxical nature of real life.

But 30 has dealt me a bit of an odd hand. And perspective seems to be something that I have no shortage of these days.

Day to day brings new desire. What I thought I wanted is far from what i want today... And yet it's the same... all at the same time. I think it has something to do with the humbling fact that I'm at least a third of the way or perhaps even half of the way to where I'm headed. And what do I have to show for it? A lot, for sure. But is it what I wanted to accomplish? What I wanted to experience? None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, after all. If it all ends tomorrow... Would I have regrets?? Would I long for the tomorrow's that I'd never have?

Right now I'm thinking the answer is no; and that's a good thing. But no one has known what I've done. Not really. And is that ok? Is that how it is for everyone? Is that how it's supposed to be? 

When you're 20 it seems like there is still plenty of time for all that. And perhaps i was a mature 20. I'll admit to that. I wanted to be that. But at 30 I have let go of the need for approval and the need for a plan and have instead exchanged it for the need for fulfillment or happiness, for purpose, for meaning, for fun. But not because its not achievable. But because I have looked instead to arbitrary measures by which I could calculate my happiness. I am now well aware of the time I wasted. I have been instead distracted by the ubiquity of judgement instead of the focus of fulfillment. And that is no ones fault but my own. 

This does not mean that I am unhappy... In fact I am far from that. Confused is a better descriptor although I'm not sure that quite hits the nail on the head either. I am trapped in the paradox of life. That is what I feel. I want what I can't have. Have what is not good for me. Love what is wrong and yet feels SO right, all at the same time. And hold close that which keeps me safe, though it's not fair to all involved, even me. Its a perfect mess of a life that i love and nonetheless wonder if I'm screwing up all the same.

But then I'm left thinking... Who's to say this beautiful mess is NOT the way it was all supposed to play out?! The way it goes for EVERYONE?? Not that I'm one to necessarily believe in all that predestined crap. Just because I didn't anticipate the path doesn't mean its wrong, it just means it's organic, it's real... Without fake and therefore, forced motivation. It's real. It's ugly, unfair and unethical as it may be... It's not necessarily calculated or manipulative. It's happening as it should, not as a plan but as it was supposed to. And aren't those stories always the most interesting?

Aren't those stories the ones that makes the most sense? 

All I want is a story that's real. 

And I am well on my way... 

"Never come a day that I'll solve you/ consequently I could never leave you/ in the shadow of those looming battleships/ I love our canoe... Oh there's a clock in my head/ and despite what it says/ another one on the wall/ they don't agree at all/ and there's a schism in me/ and despite what you see/ you might see me as calm/ but I go off like a bomb" (don't tread on me)

"I've an ache and a loss for words/ for apathy I sense in the herd... Thank your lucky stars/ you've got it good it's not hard/ to be what you are" (Thank your lucky stars)

"If there's a shadow in your life then there's sunshine/ things turning inside out/ all the time just rewind/ it's all in your mind" (Speak Easy)

"It's just something they know how to do/ how to make everyone feel uncalm the masses just take it/ while they turn the screws... Learn the rules of engagement sweetheart/ this is the world" (Solar Flare)

"You long for the flowers/ I get more from the hours spent/ minutes that are free from dissent/ a day without argument" (Long for the flowers)

"All she wants is some breathing room/ if not tomorrow surely one day soon" (Getting Through to Her)

"Am I really all that far/ far removed from that ending part/ or just a little closer to the galaxy's misty heart?" (It's Getting OK Now)

"Everyone has something that keeps them up in the night/ THATS A FACT/ don't think of the times that you gave up and let out some slack/ TAKE IT BACK/ don't think you're the only one going through it..." (There's Always an Excuse)

"It's been about me, but I'm setting that free/ for golden sunlight/ there's a door open to walk through/ all I want is just beyond/ what if I could let my guard down/ into freedom on and on?/ somehow it came out/ what I can't talk about/ someone to help me, as free as I wanna be/ I cannot erase, but you helped me face/ the songs and the flowers/ at last perception, of my self deception" (Golden Sunlight)

"You never win if you don't go all in" (Too much too fast)

"Can this all be real?/ find it so bizarre/ can this all be real?/ orbiting a star/ find it too intense to be a coincidence/ I don't think you gotta let go of common sense" (Never Ending Summer)

"We are mysterious things/ eternal, perpetual, unending/ we are the yin and the yang/ the ending, the middle and the Big Bang/ we are the zero and one/ the desert, the forest and the ocean" (Something out of Nothing, photo: MJC)

"I'm not made of stone/ I'm only flesh and bone" (My heart sings)

"I'm excitable to a fault/ but that's my fault/ feels like time grinds to a halt/ seconds assault" (How Long Has it Been)

"Anything could be true/ might as well make up anything to believe in/ its made inside you" (Sunset in July)

"I got a mind full of weapons/ in the battle of me versus myself/ and everything that I kept in/ I'm finding the courage to tell/ t he sweetest repose comes from the strangest of places/ I never supposed clarity would find me" (Trouble)

"We're not living the dream/ we're living the life/ holding to the source/ we're holding it tight/ guarding the flame/ before it goes out/ and it will go out, that is not doubt/ the cycle of everything is what it's about" (Count Me In)

"What if the truth is there is no truth?/ The only proof I have is there is no proof" (Reconsider Everything)

"Every time you ignore your heart/ it will come back twice more/ never deny your own instinct" (Reconsider Everything photo: Myalanski)

"Rebellion done for its own sake/ does not a free thinker make/ to go against for its own sake/ you're still controlled by the course the other man takes" (Reconsider Everything)

"The more you strengthen your denial/ the more you turn to your desire" (Same Mistake Twice)

"Lovely life, I thank you/ for the reason to see pain through" (Beyond the Gray Sky photo: Amber)

"In times of trouble/ everyone joins a team/ no one waves a flag/ for all human beings/ no ones excited/ unless they are divided/ someone's going to have to give in/ it seems uncertain/ I'd like to be one of the faithful millions/ but what i see is an excuse for the killing" (Seems Uncertain)

"No I'll not renounce my views/ do what others do/ I'd rather drink the hemlock than be like you/ to my soul untrue" (Still Dreaming)

"Patience and years will refashion/ what hours will undo/ and circles not quite circles/ somehow close true" (Give me a Call)

"Don't dwell/ that will leave you in hell/ sometimes things you are scorned for/ you should be adored for" (Don't Dwell)

"Everything is a choice/ go ahead and raise your voice/ might as well forgive yourself/ that means more than someone else" (Don't Dwell)

"All the TV has made us dumb/ anxious is what we've become/ too much Prozac in our systems/ it's our mental condition/ one thing lacks is education" (Other Side of Things)

"I took it as a compliment/ regardless what they meant/ it could have been innocent... Could have been belligerent/ could have been half percent/ could have been wanting/ afraid to be caught promising/ ended up taunting me" (Sometimes Jacks Rule the Realm)

"This is happening, this here is life/ days spent pondering truth is a knife" (You get worked, photo: MJC)

"Everybody gets confused/ delusions are everywhere/ buy into fakeness/ you'll feel used" (You get worked, photo MJC)

"The only thing that never gets old is honesty" (Full Ride)

"From chaos, come clarity I tell ya" (From chaos)

"I'm chasing and facing/ when I think of you my minds racing/ I'm spacing out when I get to the point of no return/ I get burned/ I told myself I'm through with you/ the last thing that I'll ever do/ let down my guard/ I know it's over/ got to elevate, disregard" (I told myself, photo: MJC)

"I'll never understand you/ when will I stop trying?/ cause it's just not how I planned to/ spend my time till dying" (Champagne)

"I can't free myself of the suspicion/ for your motives on your mission/ some people live for the rules/ I live for exceptions/ can't take part in the deception/ but I know just how it feels/ to wanna blow the world away/ just to get to what is real/ it won't work..." (Hostile Apostle)

"The world we're living in is complicated/ the streets that we walk are dark and jaded/ in it is poison, the youth is tainted/ social engineering keeps us separated/ media control is highly overrated/ ignorance is bliss to those uneducated/ listen to the message cause it's time we faced it" (Wake your mind up)

"Don't give up your independence, unless it feels so right/ nothing good comes easily, sometimes you have to fight" (Amber)

"Embarking on a journey that I never thought/ would happen to me, so effortlessly/ sparks flying, your laughter is a symphony... On the scales of desire your absence weighs/ more than someone else presence/ I wanna kiss reason goodbye today... You make me feel uncalm and I think I like it" (Uncalm)