Lately, my daughter has become preoccupied with the idea of becoming a grown up. She wants to be one; and she wants it yesterday. But she is confused as to when she will actually become this thing she has built up in her head to be so great. So she asked when she would KNOW that she was officially grown up; and so, that got me thinking...
Surely I'm a grown up by now. Ive had my fair share of jobs, graduations, home and car purchases, home renos, weddings, births and funerals ; all arbitrary milestones which signify that i have spent my early adulthood at least somewhat productively.
And yet, I still don't FEEL grown up.
I thought that certainly by now i would feel like it. What "it" is- i dont know. But i would have thought I'd have that figured out by this point. Instead i am practically staring 30 in the face wondering what it is that legitimizes my crossing the threshold into ADULTHOOD...?
As a child, and teenager even, i thought that adulthood was synonymous with freedom. But I've come to find that this is quite the misnomer. Instead I've learned the transition from adolescence or early adulthood into REAL adulthood instead simply exchanges the condition of your restraints. You may not be obliged to listen to your parents any longer, but you likely have a significant other, a boss, a job, and bills to pay. Some adults even argue that these conditions are worse, and they'd take childhood back in a second if given the option.
But not me. You wont catch me arguing that point. And while i'll admit that my life has been more privileged than most, i have been on my own for about 9 years now and have certainly "earned my stripes" these last few years. As such, I suppose its likely that I have crossed this mythical threshold into the ADULTHOOD at some point whether I stopped to notice it or not.
I realize this now having inadvertently stumbled across an amazing blog on this very topic published under the guise of a modern day critique of the institution of marriage. From it i took this amazing perspective which explains that
"It might be said that a valid indicator of maturity could be the number of illusions about the world that one has given up. This is never easy to gauge since much of what we hold as 'reality' is nothing more than beliefs for which we have gotten some agreement from others...."
This was very much an "Ah ha" moment for me. And one i wanted to clarify for my daughters sake, because she is so much like me. Very determined and confident and hopeful, as optimistic as they come. And while disappointment served me well by way of perspective, i still want to spare her the struggle of figuring it all out on her own to the extent that she will allow me to.
So what illusions have i given up which serve to show that i have crossed that mythical threshold into adulthood?
Here they are, in no particular order...
1. School is for the most part a test.
Is is not exact training or preparation for the real world. Either you have what it takes to complete it or you do not. and while good grades are important in the context of furthering your education, they do not accurately describe your worth, intelligence or your ability. You have to go. You have to finish. And hopefully you learn that it is one big social experiment. A right of passage that you simply have to get through. Those who did well in school do not always do so well in life and vice versa. (thank you Facebook, for this confirmation...) And the more pressure you put on yourself during this precarious life stage the more likely you are to disappoint yourself.
2. You will never have ENOUGH money.
So don't spend your life chasing it. The more you make, the more you'll find to spend it on. And the more stress you will have. Sure there is stress inherent in a lower class lifestyle and everyones life would be easier if they had "just a little bit more money". But those with less money are forced to be more creative in their resources and ways they spend their time. And these conditions make for real people, interesting people, with grounded values, who respect an individual based on their REAL worth, not their bank account. These are the people i feel most comfortable around. Not the ones who make me feel inadequate for not achieving THEIR perception of "success". Work with what you have. And know that it is good enough.
3. Perfection is a myth.
Its just not possible to achieve. It is simply a myth perpetrated on the human race to inspire us to constantly better ourselves. A noble motive, surely, but a deception all the same. Accepting this is a prerequisite to self acceptance, and a requirement if you're to have any self confidence.
4. Time management is another one.
It is meant to inspire order, routine and purpose. But it is painfully subjective. As a child it moves too slow. As an adult it moves too fast. When you're bored or sick it never moves fast enough. When you're terminally ill it is a taunting reminder that our existence is so painfully short. The best we can do is relinquish our desire to conquer it. We wont. And we cant. And nothing save a time machine will change that. The best we can do is spend whatever amount we are lucky enough to have doing what we want and in good company. Find your purpose in life and dedicate your time to it. but don't stress when time runs out. It always does. if not today, some other time it will. You will never come out on top. Forgetting it and all that goes along with it- milestones, to do lists, plans and deadlines can be freeing, if you let it. it is YOUR time after all. Embrace it. Don't attempt to master it because you will surely fail.
5. The world is not out to get you, a place you have to fight to exist in , or concerned intimately with you in the slightest.
You are a small part of it. A special and unique part, no doubt, but small nonetheless. You are not going to get what you want out of it just because you think you deserve it. And the thing is, it is like this for everyone. EVERYONE. Life is not fair. But it still can be rewarding. And once you give up this idea that you are owed something from the world, you can begin to appreciate all that you are given.
6. You will not change anyone's opinion, try as you might.
This does not mean that debating and sharing your views is worthless. It simply means that every person has innate worth and dignity. Their views matter and are valid. You don't have to agree with them, but in a civilized society you do have to respect them. So don't make it your mission to convert or educate people who are not asking or entrusting you to do so. You will not succeed and likely damage your relationship in the process. Further, differing views can lead to amazing conversation which could actually teach you a thing or two. Do not fear conflicting opinions. But don't just accept them as your own either. Remember to step back, ask questions and have confidence in your own interpretations. And remember that everyones experience informs their opinions and you cant know where someone is coming from without knowing their whole story. The problem here is, though, you never will.
7. Your reputation is important.
There is certainly value in not censoring your self expression to appease others. But what others think and say about you does really matter. And it is directly related to your level of self confidence. You see, your true self is actually two fold. There is the "you" that you contribute to the world and there is the "you" that the world takes away from it. Neither is more important than the other, but these two sides of your identity are equally valid, if different. But the biggest difference is that your reputation is much farther reaching than your actual personal self. Consider, for instance, how inspired you can be by a strangers story, or how memories and values from a friend or family member who died long ago can still affect you today. Influence can be far reaching, in both good and bad ways. So taking care to respect your reputation as you would have others do for you is an important responsibility that you must learn. It takes time, mistakes, and negative feedback to understand what i mean. And with the prevalence of social media it will be harder for kids these days than it was for me. But this is one of the few things that you have some control over. Respect yourself and others will too. If you don't, then others wont. It is that simple.
8. You have control over very little in your life; yourself being one of the very few things you will have any control over, at least with any degree of certainty.
And even so, emotions are a powerful thing; hard to predict and even harder to manage. Despite this, your perspective is your own personal window through which you view the world. And only you have the tools by which to design this window. You choose to accept the views handed to you, or instinctively develop your own in response to them. You have to challenge that which doesn't makes sense and you have to seek the knowledge required to understand it and use it and to see what it is you want to see through this window. So never accept a theory, an excuse or a reason without an explanation as to the why. The why informs your perspective. And your perspective is your control. You have this control because you can ALWAYS change it. By learning more about something, like human behavior for instance, you can change the way you understand a situation. Use this idea of "knowledge is power" to your advantage and you might agree with me on this whole self control thing.
9. Trust is a tricky concept.
Particularly because no one is infallible and everyone will let you down at some point. I don't like the concept of trust. Blindly putting faith in something, or someone, is just something i can't come to terms with. Broken trust breeds insecurity. And broken trust is a given. In lieu of blind trust, i prefer instead, simply accepting this imperfection in the people that mean the most to me. Doing this has served as a catalyst to accepting them as the human beings that they are, as opposed to the people i wish they would be. As an adult you have a choice. A choice to seek the truth or live with the lies that you allow yourself to believe. I have chosen the former. It is undoubtedly the harder road. But i need this to understand who I am. And to understand what my reality truly is. But because i cant come to terms with the whole trust issue does not mean i have given up on people. I RESPECT people and demand RESPECT from people. Not trust. There is a difference. But as it turns out, the benefits to this road are plentiful. So I'm sticking to it.
Now while I'm sure i will find this list lacking at some point, i think that its a pretty good indicator that i have relinquished some of my childhood naïveté and crossed this imaginary threshold into adulthood. I'm curious to hear Lorelei's perspective one day. Her precocious nature suggests that we'll have this conversation sooner than later.
I can't wait <3
Surely I'm a grown up by now. Ive had my fair share of jobs, graduations, home and car purchases, home renos, weddings, births and funerals ; all arbitrary milestones which signify that i have spent my early adulthood at least somewhat productively.
And yet, I still don't FEEL grown up.
I thought that certainly by now i would feel like it. What "it" is- i dont know. But i would have thought I'd have that figured out by this point. Instead i am practically staring 30 in the face wondering what it is that legitimizes my crossing the threshold into ADULTHOOD...?
As a child, and teenager even, i thought that adulthood was synonymous with freedom. But I've come to find that this is quite the misnomer. Instead I've learned the transition from adolescence or early adulthood into REAL adulthood instead simply exchanges the condition of your restraints. You may not be obliged to listen to your parents any longer, but you likely have a significant other, a boss, a job, and bills to pay. Some adults even argue that these conditions are worse, and they'd take childhood back in a second if given the option.
But not me. You wont catch me arguing that point. And while i'll admit that my life has been more privileged than most, i have been on my own for about 9 years now and have certainly "earned my stripes" these last few years. As such, I suppose its likely that I have crossed this mythical threshold into the ADULTHOOD at some point whether I stopped to notice it or not.
I realize this now having inadvertently stumbled across an amazing blog on this very topic published under the guise of a modern day critique of the institution of marriage. From it i took this amazing perspective which explains that
"It might be said that a valid indicator of maturity could be the number of illusions about the world that one has given up. This is never easy to gauge since much of what we hold as 'reality' is nothing more than beliefs for which we have gotten some agreement from others...."
This was very much an "Ah ha" moment for me. And one i wanted to clarify for my daughters sake, because she is so much like me. Very determined and confident and hopeful, as optimistic as they come. And while disappointment served me well by way of perspective, i still want to spare her the struggle of figuring it all out on her own to the extent that she will allow me to.
So what illusions have i given up which serve to show that i have crossed that mythical threshold into adulthood?
Here they are, in no particular order...
1. School is for the most part a test.
Is is not exact training or preparation for the real world. Either you have what it takes to complete it or you do not. and while good grades are important in the context of furthering your education, they do not accurately describe your worth, intelligence or your ability. You have to go. You have to finish. And hopefully you learn that it is one big social experiment. A right of passage that you simply have to get through. Those who did well in school do not always do so well in life and vice versa. (thank you Facebook, for this confirmation...) And the more pressure you put on yourself during this precarious life stage the more likely you are to disappoint yourself.
2. You will never have ENOUGH money.
So don't spend your life chasing it. The more you make, the more you'll find to spend it on. And the more stress you will have. Sure there is stress inherent in a lower class lifestyle and everyones life would be easier if they had "just a little bit more money". But those with less money are forced to be more creative in their resources and ways they spend their time. And these conditions make for real people, interesting people, with grounded values, who respect an individual based on their REAL worth, not their bank account. These are the people i feel most comfortable around. Not the ones who make me feel inadequate for not achieving THEIR perception of "success". Work with what you have. And know that it is good enough.
3. Perfection is a myth.
Its just not possible to achieve. It is simply a myth perpetrated on the human race to inspire us to constantly better ourselves. A noble motive, surely, but a deception all the same. Accepting this is a prerequisite to self acceptance, and a requirement if you're to have any self confidence.
4. Time management is another one.
It is meant to inspire order, routine and purpose. But it is painfully subjective. As a child it moves too slow. As an adult it moves too fast. When you're bored or sick it never moves fast enough. When you're terminally ill it is a taunting reminder that our existence is so painfully short. The best we can do is relinquish our desire to conquer it. We wont. And we cant. And nothing save a time machine will change that. The best we can do is spend whatever amount we are lucky enough to have doing what we want and in good company. Find your purpose in life and dedicate your time to it. but don't stress when time runs out. It always does. if not today, some other time it will. You will never come out on top. Forgetting it and all that goes along with it- milestones, to do lists, plans and deadlines can be freeing, if you let it. it is YOUR time after all. Embrace it. Don't attempt to master it because you will surely fail.
5. The world is not out to get you, a place you have to fight to exist in , or concerned intimately with you in the slightest.
You are a small part of it. A special and unique part, no doubt, but small nonetheless. You are not going to get what you want out of it just because you think you deserve it. And the thing is, it is like this for everyone. EVERYONE. Life is not fair. But it still can be rewarding. And once you give up this idea that you are owed something from the world, you can begin to appreciate all that you are given.
6. You will not change anyone's opinion, try as you might.
This does not mean that debating and sharing your views is worthless. It simply means that every person has innate worth and dignity. Their views matter and are valid. You don't have to agree with them, but in a civilized society you do have to respect them. So don't make it your mission to convert or educate people who are not asking or entrusting you to do so. You will not succeed and likely damage your relationship in the process. Further, differing views can lead to amazing conversation which could actually teach you a thing or two. Do not fear conflicting opinions. But don't just accept them as your own either. Remember to step back, ask questions and have confidence in your own interpretations. And remember that everyones experience informs their opinions and you cant know where someone is coming from without knowing their whole story. The problem here is, though, you never will.
7. Your reputation is important.
There is certainly value in not censoring your self expression to appease others. But what others think and say about you does really matter. And it is directly related to your level of self confidence. You see, your true self is actually two fold. There is the "you" that you contribute to the world and there is the "you" that the world takes away from it. Neither is more important than the other, but these two sides of your identity are equally valid, if different. But the biggest difference is that your reputation is much farther reaching than your actual personal self. Consider, for instance, how inspired you can be by a strangers story, or how memories and values from a friend or family member who died long ago can still affect you today. Influence can be far reaching, in both good and bad ways. So taking care to respect your reputation as you would have others do for you is an important responsibility that you must learn. It takes time, mistakes, and negative feedback to understand what i mean. And with the prevalence of social media it will be harder for kids these days than it was for me. But this is one of the few things that you have some control over. Respect yourself and others will too. If you don't, then others wont. It is that simple.
8. You have control over very little in your life; yourself being one of the very few things you will have any control over, at least with any degree of certainty.
And even so, emotions are a powerful thing; hard to predict and even harder to manage. Despite this, your perspective is your own personal window through which you view the world. And only you have the tools by which to design this window. You choose to accept the views handed to you, or instinctively develop your own in response to them. You have to challenge that which doesn't makes sense and you have to seek the knowledge required to understand it and use it and to see what it is you want to see through this window. So never accept a theory, an excuse or a reason without an explanation as to the why. The why informs your perspective. And your perspective is your control. You have this control because you can ALWAYS change it. By learning more about something, like human behavior for instance, you can change the way you understand a situation. Use this idea of "knowledge is power" to your advantage and you might agree with me on this whole self control thing.
9. Trust is a tricky concept.
Particularly because no one is infallible and everyone will let you down at some point. I don't like the concept of trust. Blindly putting faith in something, or someone, is just something i can't come to terms with. Broken trust breeds insecurity. And broken trust is a given. In lieu of blind trust, i prefer instead, simply accepting this imperfection in the people that mean the most to me. Doing this has served as a catalyst to accepting them as the human beings that they are, as opposed to the people i wish they would be. As an adult you have a choice. A choice to seek the truth or live with the lies that you allow yourself to believe. I have chosen the former. It is undoubtedly the harder road. But i need this to understand who I am. And to understand what my reality truly is. But because i cant come to terms with the whole trust issue does not mean i have given up on people. I RESPECT people and demand RESPECT from people. Not trust. There is a difference. But as it turns out, the benefits to this road are plentiful. So I'm sticking to it.
Now while I'm sure i will find this list lacking at some point, i think that its a pretty good indicator that i have relinquished some of my childhood naïveté and crossed this imaginary threshold into adulthood. I'm curious to hear Lorelei's perspective one day. Her precocious nature suggests that we'll have this conversation sooner than later.
I can't wait <3
