I had this idea in my head that once i had finished college, the stars would align and job offers would be coming at me from all angles. My life thus far has consisted of nothing but choices upon choices and my responsibility was to pick the best ones. I have done well with this. I can pick a good choice out of a bad choice line up any day, but when the responsibility of seeking out the choices falls to me, i am coming up dry. Do i stay on the beaten path? Stay in the field that i know, the field that i have grown bored with? Do i try a new position, a new workplace, or do i branch out? I have no real experience in anything else. But i have a desire to do more, to help others, to be heard. Can i do this where i am? I am not sure. But i cant help but think that i am capable of more.
So the offers arent rolling in. But i tell myself thats okay. My home life is practically ideal. I do not sit at home and find myself wanting. In fact, at times, i find myself wishing for nothing more than a little more alone time. As selfish as that sounds, its real. My family is so amazingly present and involved that i yearn for privacy.

Privacy.

And yet there are lonely people everywhere. Lonely and unhappy people who wish for a partner, a child, a family. I have all of these and more. Is it unreasonable to want more? I am beginning to think so. Why must i define myself in what i do for others who dont truly matter to me? I dont really know. But i feel that there is an opportunity out there waiting for me to find it. If you see it looking for me. Let me know...

My one and only regret is the fact that i have never lived alone.

This is not meant to be some dig at Brian or a longing for a lost opportunity- its likely i never could have afforded it in the first place- not to my "standards" anyway. It's just that I sometimes feel as though i missed out on something formative. I don't understand what it takes to live on my own. Cook, clean, pay bills, etc, on my own. And it's not that I want to necessarily, so much as to have a better perspective of the situation i am in now.

Brian does a tremendous amount of work around the house. If you ever hear me complaining about him it is likely that he is forcing me to clean or work more than I think is necessary and adding to our ongoing argument of messy versus dirty. I'm messy, and I don't deny it. Usually I'm just not "done" with whatever the thing is that i have left laying around. And we have this whole debate about time management which basically means he wants me to spend a lot of time cleaning and that's just not gonna happen. Dirty is another story completely, though I'm not sure you'd get that if you heard Brian telling his side.

Interestingly, over the last few years Brian has began going on work trips which take him away for about 4 days. During these four days I get to do whatever I want. I make a mess. I don't clean it up. I make unhealthy dinners and me and the kids eat on the couch. And when we drop crumbs, we sweep them under the couch. Don't worry, though, Lorelei promptly reminds me that this is NOT OK and that dad would NOT approve and he WILL find out. But still, this is my time, so I do not do the dishes, or otherwise clean the house during this time. That is, until I know Brian is on the road home, and I remember that I really do not want to get divorced. Haha.

(Okay, so a side note- maybe I'm a little dirty- but I would argue that this is situational; maybe even a sad excuse for rebellion against the eat at the table, sweep up after we're done and do dishes right away rules that I'm used to...)

These trips make me miss Brian for more than the obvious reasons. He undoubtedly keeps me in check. He keeps the house clean, and makes sure all the things that "should" be done get done. And while I admit it is nice, its also stressful to have someone constantly telling you the right way to live in your own house. We have, out of necessity, learned to compromise quite nicely. I bite my tongue (cause I know he's right) and do what he says more than I want to. But because of him i have an amazing home. One in which I am never embarrassed by when someone stops by unexpectedly.

But I think that I would appreciate it even more if i had the experience of taking care of it on my own to compare it to. I would have not have had so much expected of me. And I wouldn't have let anyone down. Except for myself of course. I would have immediately understood the value of Brian's quirkiness and the profound way in which he complimented my personality. Because while Brian keeps the house neat, I keep the bathroom clean, the house organized, the bills paid and the kids under control (most of the time anyway...).

With all this being said; however, I'm not sure i would have really liked it. I hate yard work, doing dishes and especially taking out the trash- all things i am able to pawn off on him most of the time. And I could have decorated the place however i wanted (ya know with all that make believe money i would have had...). In theory this little place i would have had sounds great.

But in reality, I expect that it would have had a million cups everywhere because Brian swears i have a non-alcoholic drinking problem, I would have had the most embarrassing yard (because if you know my confrontational nature you know apartment/ condo living is not for me), and dishwasher or no i likely would have ended up with a bug problem.

So I am beyond grateful that I have Brian around. He's an amazing guy. He loves me for reasons i can't even understand and he puts up with me. What more could I possibly ask for? An annual weekend away from the formality of home living? Ahh... I got that too. :)

But you can bet your ass I'll be cleaning for a couple hours on Sunday before he gets home. Because if he actually ever saw what my house would have looked like had i ever lived alone... He might not have married me in the first place.